The Path to Self-Love

How do we love others when our inner critic is so loud?

We can’t give what we don’t have.

Every perfectionist reading this will relate to the idea that self-criticism—even self-loathing—is attached to perfectionism like Gorilla Glue to a broken toy. If we don’t like or trust ourselves, it is very difficult to take the risks necessary to love others. I’ve found that I need self-respect and self-love in order to live into the vision of my life as a tree in which those who suffer can nest, finding safety, healing, and peace (Matthew 13:3, 32).

Jesus put it this way: Love your neighbor as you love yourself (Mark 12:31). I understand loving my neighbor, but self-love has come much harder. It is a major barrier to being an ambassador of God’s kingdom because we can’t turn love on and off according to momentary impulses, nor can we aim it only in certain directions. We are loving, including self-love, or we are not.

According to Jesus, accepting his love is the basis for both self-love and neighbor-love. He taught, As I have loved you, so you must love one another (John 13:35). The empowering cycle of receiving and giving love is baked into the purposes of God:

Give, and it will be given to you.
A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over,
will be poured into your lap.
For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Luke 6:38

We can’t give love when we are love-starved. Love can’t be poured out from indifference or hate. This is why God wants us to know his love for us. Knowing that we are loveable is a chief blessing of being his children. That blessing becomes the headwaters of the river of loving others in acts of benevolence and justice.

To be gracious, compassionate, and generous to our neighbor, we must first be these things to ourselves. We welcome the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) inwardly so we can serve outwardly through them. Thus, we are patient with ourselves, show kindness to ourselves, and are gentle with ourselves in order to ready ourselves as ambassadors of the kingdom. I’ve tried motivating myself with angry impatience, cruel self-talk, and harsh judgments about my progress in serving others. But it is a bad strategy that never works long term and, in doing so, I’ve only injured myself.

My recovery began by aligning my heart to that of two Psalms:

1. Great blessings belong to those who don’t listen to evil advice (Psalm 1:1, ERV). This is true even when, maybe especially when, the evil advice comes from our own accusatory self-talk.
   

2. When faced with discouragement about my growth in love, I resonated with, Why, my soul, are you downcast? The Psalmist responds to himself saying, Put your hope in God (Psalm 42:5, NIV). This is an honest prayer from a person with a broken heart who feels exiled from God, who grieves the overwhelming troubles in the world, and who, through talking to God and self, is seeking reorientation and hope in God. It is entirely reasonable that we too might pray:

Why am I discouraged?
Why am I restless?
I should trust you, Lord.

Psalm 42:5, CEV

Osheta Moore assures us that people who do well at justice-seeking, anti-racism, peacemaking, and benevolence, “have, through therapy, dialog, spiritual direction, [contemplation], and study, embraced self-compassion and cultivated self-awareness…they’ve laid down swords and shields that belong to the inner critic and inner skeptic…they are peacemakers who engage with curiosity and mercy.”

Unlike the inner critic, curiosity is innocent and childlike. It is practiced best, with the most freedom, when we know we are loved by God, who cherishes our journey to self-knowledge and social wisdom. Merciful love forgoes punishment and self-chastisement. It treats us and others with compassion. Merciful love is a celebrated attribute of God:

The Lord is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
The Lord is good to all,
and his mercy is over all that he has made.

Psalm 145:8-9 ESV

Steep yourself in the grace, mercy, goodness, and love of God. These God-provisions are the way to quiet your inner critic and weaken your inner skeptic, freeing you to neighborly love that springs from healthy self-love.

When we have love, we can give it to others.